11 posts tagged “amelia”

So, they upped the dose of Zoloft. I'm starting therapy again (wahoo) and hopefully my therapist can find a balance or a decent combination of drugs that help with the depression and the anxiety. My doctor also ran the idea of possibly being bipolar past me. Wouldn't they know off hand? I'm not sure. Anyway, my medication selection is limited because of the nursing, but I'm staying hopeful that something will work. In other news... Amelia is a month old, well... actually a month and 5 days. Wow, time flies. She has gotten so big and is starting to develop such a demanding little personality. I love it! I have def. decided against going back to work. I can't leave the girls. Katherine has gotten so used to me being around, and I have yet to leave Amelia, even for five minutes... so work is out of the question. I'm not complaining though :) I love staying home with them! As for my new year resolutions... well, I have broken pretty much all of them. No worries though, I will start over in February. My view is that they are new year resolutions, so technically I have a year to achieve them, before the start of the new year next year. Make sense? I know, excuses, excuses, but hey, if they work then they work! 

So, I got my new phone and I love it. It's pink and wonderful and full of wonderful phone goodness. My last one wasn't bad either, but it was a little to bulky for my liking. Anyway, the past two days have been ok, I had a terrible migrane that finally went away today. No kidding, it hurt so bad that I was considering a trip to the ER. But, the ER here sucks ( at least the one near our house) and so I toughed it out. I meant to go to the dr.'s today, but by the time I woke up it was the office lunch time, and the doctor leaves for the day after that. Oh well, maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. My internal clock is so messed up thanks to Bobby's FTO shift this month. It also happened to coincide with Amelia's birth, but we'll blame Bobby's shift for now :). Anyway, I can't fall asleep until like 3 or 4 sometimes 5 and then I am sooooo tired all day long. I've been a little sick since Saturday so I've been sleeping as much as I can when Amelia is sleeping, but then I feel like I'm ignoring Katherine. So, I have decided that no matter what, tomorrow is going to be a Katherine day. We will go to the park, feed the ducks, have a picnic, do a little shopping (and run a few errands) and then top it off with a trip to the ice cream shop. Sounds fun!! Oh, I gave Katherine my old cell phone- it had all these videos that I couldn't transfer over to my mac. Anyway, one of the videos was of my little brother (13) putting his nipple on fire (crazy, I know). Katherine freaking loves that video. She watched it over and over and over and over again. It was really weird and cute at the same time. Oh yeah!! Big news! Hopefully, I will be able to start school during the spring quarter!! I am really excited. To be honest, I don't really want a job outside of the house, I love being a mom and housewife. But, I love school, I know I'm such a dork, and I miss the challenge of learning. Not that it was much of a challenge in high school and the first three semesters of college, but wow last time I went I had to drop out mid-semester b/c I couldn't take care of Katherine by myself, and work full time (Bobby was away for 5 months doing officer basic training with the army) it was way to much to handle. I really admire all the parents (esp. the single parents) that can work, go to school and raise their children with out neglecting any of their responsibilities, but I digress... Anyway, I'm going back to school YAY! Now I just need to figure out what I really want to be when I "grow up" which is one of the reasons I dropped out after my third semester.
Anyway, that's it. Goodnight!

The only difference so far is that Amelia has decided not to sleep at night. So far I have half assed my resolutions. Lose baby weight? Sure, but I really hate to waste all the Christmas cookies... so I have to eat some of those. Don't use my credit cards? Ok, I'll use my debit card instead. Spend less time on the computer? When you're up all night (and I mean all night long) the computer becomes your new best friend. I still plan on keeping all my resolutions, but I figure it's hard to quit cold turkey. So far... it's been "eh"

Today we went to visit friends. We also stopped by my work. I have to admit it was really fun because last time I was in there I was really really pregnant and to see everyone's eyes. Wow, it was def. a self-esteem booster. I caught up with a bunch of people at work and then left. I started my Zoloft today too, I really hope it helps. I didn't get to see much of Bobby today though. When he woke up I was kind of grumpy and had to make dinner, and then during dinner my dad came for a visit and took up much of my time. Oh well, he's off the next two days. I didn't get anywhere with the apartment hunt... probably wont until after the new year, BUT(!) I did get Amelia's birth announcements ordered (Go Me). Anyway, I have a mountain of laundry and a baby calling me. 

I've been handling the depression fairly well lately. I had been avoiding my friends and only talking to my family, but yesterday I got on the phone and computer and caught up with a couple of them. Yay! Nursing is going better, I have started pumping to keep my supply up, but Amelia is starting to seem more interested in it as well (maybe it's because of the pumping?). Also, I finally finished all my Christmas shopping yesterday. Now I just need to wrap everything- it's going to take forever!! Katherine is still having a few problems listening, but I've been working on it with her. I was a very lax disciplinarian  before Amelia was born, and I don't want Katherine to associate stricter discipline with her new baby sister. I'm worried that that could lead to problems down the road, you know? Anyway, if I stay busy then I'm fine. Sometimes though, I do get that feeling that my house of cards is about to come tumbling down. The feeling is becoming rarer and rarer though. My next big goal is to find an apartment. Hopefully one that needs a curtisy officer... that would be fantastic. Ooh and to lose some more weight, I'm half way there, but I heard the first half usually just melts off, it's the last half you have to fight. 

Today was a good day. I got my RX for Zoloft, my doctor said my incision looked great and that I was looking wonderful (I am a compliment ham), every one loved Amelia and she has been a little more interested in nursing today. Tomorrow I plan on buying a book or two on the subject and maybe calling the lactation consultant. I felt a little blue before Bobby left for work, but then I started cleaning. I have yet to go to bed. I took some more pictures of Amelia (I would have of Katherine, but she is in bed. I did manage to snag one though). Anyway, be sure to look at them b/c they are both so cute. Also, I really, really, appreciate all the support and kind words from everyone. They really do help. So thank you very much. Now i just need to find my little point and shoot (God, I hope I didn't lose it at the hospital) and everything will be great. Maybe some sleep too :)

nursing mama's I need your help.
-how do you know if your baby is getting enough?
-what do you do if your child is just not interested in eating? Amelia sleeps a lot and even if I wake her up she'll nurse for a min. or two and then go back to sleep.
-should you avoid certain foods?
-if you pump exclusivly are you still able to burn the 200-500 calories that you normally burn nursing?

Ok, so on Tuesday I had an appointment with AMFM (atlanta maternal fetal medicine). I knew I was going to get an ultrasound, but I thought the main reason I was there was for the diabetes and to see how big A got. They took my blood pressure first, and finally a high reading in the office as well as out of. So.. it wasn't all in my head, then they did the ultrasound and I got a lot of "hmm-mm's" and " have you bleed during this pregnancy and did you smoke" (no, and no)  no one was really telling me anything. After the U/S they took my BP and it was still high, I was also starting to swell. They started to explain things in the U/S to me. First they said they thought they saw blood around my placenta and that it looked like a placental abrupt-ion. They also said that Amelia was really small, esp. for being a diabetic baby, and that they were worried about growth restrictions. Then there was this wispy area that looked like fluid build up behind the amniotic sac. They said that combined with my high BP, swelling, and past pregnancy complications that they recommended that I be delivered that day. Talk about being in shock, they told me to go straight to my hospital and have some more tests run. So, I called my husband- told him not to leave work though, b/c I was sure the hospital was just going to send me back home. I went to the hospital, registered, changed and did all the required tests. Then the doctor came in. She said it was up to me, I could have the baby now, tomorrow, next week, or on her due date, but, she wanted me to go for one more ultrasound and wait for the next doctor to come on before I made any decisions. Again, I called my husband and told him not to leave work yet, b/c the doctor that I was about to see was a huge full term pusher, and I doubted she would want me to deliver yet. I went for the ultrasound, my labs were all coming back and I met with the doctor. She said six hours after my last meal (which was on the way to the hospital) I would have a c-section. Great, I reply and start calling people. I called Bobby told him what was going on (evidently, It looked like I did have a placental abrupt-ion, and I was in the early stages of preeclampsia and HELLP. So it was better to not wait) and told him to get to the hospital. Then I told him to go home and change first, and maybe grab my bag. I was totally calm this whole time. Bobby arrived then they said that they were pushing my c-section back an hour b/c someone else was a higher risk at the time. So B and I just hung out in triage. A little later the surgical nurse came in and administered two iv medication and an oral med. One of them happened to be Raglan ( an anti -nausea medication) which makes me freak out. I am not joking, as soon as it hit my system I stared shivering, shaking, and wanting to crawl out of my skin. I was having trouble breathing and just all kinds of anxiety. I was really trying to keep it all together b/c I didn't want to freak B out by being so upset myself, but really I was convinced I was going to die. Anyway, I made it to the operating room and survived the spinal with the help of nitrous oxide, by the time they let Bobby into the operating room the operation had already started. I was really doing well, a lot better than when I had Katherine.  Anyway, about half way through I started freaking out again, and just started puking everywhere. Then I heard Amelia cry, and it was so awesome. I didn't get to see her right away, but then they brought her over to see me and it was like every single cheesy movie moment. It was truly breath taking. Then I passed out.  I think. The next thing I remember is being rolled into recovery. I know they said something about me losing A LOT of blood and being severely anemic, but other than that nothing... oh and they were looking for the placental abrupt-ion. Anyway, the anthesia started to wear off, and then I itched, and itched and itched. To the point where I have this horrible scab under my nose from scratching. Amelia got to spend the night in the room with Bobby and me and I got to nurse her almost right away. I'll spare you the details of recovering, but I will let you know that once I got past the initial pain everything has been cool. I didn't take any pain medication until I started getting up to walk, and I only stuck to motrin. I was able to come home yesterday, we were hoping for Thursday, but they were waiting for lab work to come back to see if I needed a blood transfusion. Luckily, I didn't. Thursday night the PPD kicked in though.
The horrible thing is I know it's normal, but I hate crying- esp. in front of people. I managed to keep it cool until last night and then I lost it. I cried all night, over everything. I felt like a horrible wife for not being able to take care of my husband they way he has taken care of me. I felt like a horrible mother for not being able to play with Katherine and for abandoning her while I was in the hospital. Then I felt like being a horrible mother b/c I wasn't excited about being pregnant this time around for awhile. It took time to get use to the idea, where as when I was pregnant with Katherine I was excited the whole time. Then I felt upset for being upset and not being excited on Amelia's homecoming and I felt like I was ruining Bobby's life and that he deserved so much better than me. God, I am rambling now. Anyway, today has been a little better. I am able to talk to people with out crying, but I have still cried a lot. I really want to feel normal and happy again. I think I am going to start therapy again soon, b/c the feelings I had last night were really bad, not bad like hurt the babies bad, but bad for me. Like, what am I doing bad. I really thought I wanted to die. Luckily, though, I would never do anything like that, but I hate having those feelings. Man, I'm tearing up again. It does get better though. I just have to remember that. Anyway, I'm sure the next few posts will be a roller coaster of wows and depression.